In class, we discussed the types of dances: Pursuer/distancer, underfunctioner/overfunctioner, and submissive/dominate.  The pursuer/distancer is when a couple is experiencing different desires of a relationship. One wants to open up, while the other wants to have some time backing away from the relationship. The second dance is the underfunctioner/overfunctioner. This dance occurs when the couple has a misbalance of responsibility; one person does more than the other. The final dance is submissive/dominant. This dance is prominent when there is a control issue. One tends to take control of everything because he/she thinks the other is incapable of contributing. 

With my relationship with my boyfriend, I would say the dance of underfunctioner/overfunctioner is most prominent. Take cooking for example. There are three scenarios for meals. We either go out for fastfood at like Taco Belle, go to a nice sit down restaurant like Famous Dave’s, or cook ourselves a meal at his house. I find raw meat disgusting to touch. The texture, the feeling & the thought just grosses me out. My boyfriend is aware of this so he always does the cooking of the meat. Every meal he takes charge of that and does not even ask if I want to cook the burgers or the chicken. We also always have sides for dinner such as potatoes, fries, or rolls. My boyfriend always takes charge of that too. He just assumes that he needs to take care of it too. I don’t have a problem with cooking sides or baking desserts, but my boyfriend just takes over, so I never really get a chance to cook. I feel bad because I don’t want him to see me as a lazy person. 

To solve this issue, the underfunctioner (aka me) needs to set myself accountable for cooking. Once in a while I need to face the responsibility of preparing the meat as well as the sides. It needs to be a shared commitment. 

In class, we discussed the four horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Criticism is basically when someone attacks the other person. In other words, it is giving an insult. Defensiveness is when one person makes excuses for his/her actions. Contempt is kind of like attacking the other person but in more of harsh tone. Some actions that are classified as contempt are sarcasm or mocking the other person. The final horseman is stonewalling. This when one person purposely does not respond to the fight and acts like nothing is wrong. One time I went to the bar with my boyfriend. I wanted a drink, but it was overly crowded by the bartender, and I was lazy. I asked my boyfriend if he could get me a drink. He responded with “you’re capable of getting it yourself.” (This is a typical response for him. He was raised that if he wanted something, he needs to get it himself). I didn’t feel like dealing with the crowd. So, I responded “fine”, and just stood there.  Everyone knows that I wasn’t fine though. Since I remained silent, I was exhibiting the horsemen of stonewalling. 

My boyfriend and I do not tend to fight all that often. We’re both easy going and things tend not to bug us all that often. When we do fight though it tends to be over stupid things. The horseman of stonewalling seems to always pop up when I’m mad at my boyfriend. I remember one time my boyfriend critised me for being a little harsh. Of course, I remained silent and did not say anything. He tried to cheer me up, but I didn’t want to say anything. Whenever I act like this, he always says “Fine, be a bitter berry.” That comment always seems to make me more angry. Though, after about a half hour later, I always seem to realize how childish I was acting and apologize to him.